The fear that never leaves

You’d think that after six years, I’d be over it.

I first submitted The Heir to Wombat Books in 2011. I was terrified of rejection and worried they would say the book was crap. Fortunately, they didn’t, although it still needed a lot of work, which we gave it until its ultimate release in 2013. Yet here I am, about to submit my latest manuscript to my publisher, and I’m terrified of what they’re going to say.

I worked on Raydon’s Muse for most of last year and managed to finish it in December. Since then, I have been going over it to make sure it’s okay. I think the majority of it is working well now, and I am giving it one last read through before I submit it.

Cue the butterflies in my stomach!

I really wish this would get easier but it never does. What will I do if it’s rejected? I haven’t got another idea at the moment. What will I write? What will I work on?

Okay mind, stop spiralling!

And it’s not just the submission of my latest manuscript, either. I’m a science fiction writer but I’ve never been to conventions like Supanova and Comic Con. That’s not a good thing. All I can say is, I find them really scary. I was hoping to get to Supanova Gold Coast this year (although secretly also hoping I wouldn’t) but didn’t have enough money until recently. Now I see that I’ve missed their early bird cut off date, so my booking would cost more than $100 more. I just can’t afford that. Also, the weekend it’s on is the same weekend as my mother’s birthday.

I can’t tell you how much that relieved me while also making me feel incredibly guilty for looking for every excuse not to go.

I’m already trying to make a mental commitment to attend the Brisbane Supanova in November but even now, I know I’ll probably do whatever I can to get out of it. Those big conventions with loads of geeks terrify me for some strange reason, and they shouldn’t. They’re my people! I’m hoping desperately that some celebrity I really want to meet will be attending in November, which should up the drive to attend. I know Peter Facinelli (Carlisle Cullen) is supposed to be at one Supanova this year. Please let it be the Brisbane one! I’d love to meet him.

It might be enough to get me over the line. I don’t think it will make me less scared but it might give me a silver lining.